wrote this yesterday:

in that dark and scary place right now

i'm not happy with my body

the condition of my skin shames me,

it also makes me physically feel ew and mentally...unconfident

how'd i get into this state of mind?

well it started with that icky, irritating feeling that i get that makes me just...irritated and scratch/ungently rub my face. usually, the only remedy for this irritation is to sleep it off or to have a real good shower.

no, a real-good-face-wash will not suffice, it must be a shower. don't ask me why

so i've had my shower and i've moisturised many layers of moisturising cream. but my face still burns and irritates in a different way, different but if anything, even more irritating. so this is when i sit down, eat my dinner and, feeling guilty, i write a list of things that i should do more to improve my health.

writing this list, i ate alot of food (healthy dinner that i put together myself ^___^) and drank alot of water. too much healthy food and water. so i've managed to make myself feel even more bloated than usual.

so bloated that it hurt.

and all i wanted to do was lay down and make the pain go away but then because i was feeling unusually bloated and fat, i didn't want to lay down after a meal and build up extra fat. so i sat and read some of a Nick Hornby book then started writing a blog entry (bye hand) while watching scrubs.

i feel better now

but i do wish these...attacks (damn word that i'm looking for won't come to me!) of up and down-ness would just stop. i wish it were all uo...or all stable

i have lots more to talk a bout, epiphanies, dvds, the snow, another career alternative, countries, tshirts, etc. but it's too much to write by hand.

it is Buffy time.

so yeh, i'm still not gonna talk about that other stuff now because...i'm tired and i have to do lots of preparation for the creative sac that i have tomorrow (literature)...i thought it was on friday but it is actually tomorrow

but frankly i can't be bothered

i guess it is again...Buffy time.